Monday, February 4, 2013

Hidden inside

I spent my Sunday at my mom's with my hubby and brother.
She lives in a different city and we don't regularly get to spend much time together, so 1 day visit/month is about as much as we get to spend together as family reunited. My dad has a contract in a different country so with we meet so far only on big celebrations like Xmas, Easter, my wedding...

I know that parents regularly, even if you moved out, tend to still be protective and be involved in most of your life as this is what keeps vivid the illusion in them that they still are there to back you up. And in most cases we let them, it is always nice to know your papa's little girl and if you mess up, parents are there for the rescue.

However this situation changes dramatically when you do get in a serious relationship. A small conflict of interests comes at first followed by endless discussions among the parents and just few hints to you as, of course  they do not want to upset you or the bf/husband - god forbid!

So the story changes, they are not the ones you turn to whenever your finger hurts or you have a headache or you got in a fight with your best friend or someone at work said something to you. They are not your first call anymore and they feel this as hard as a frontal hit. They are not the ones who will be asked first for an opinion and now most of the times they are already put in the situation of an already take decision, and even if its a good one, they still might comment on it as they were not at all involved. And this hurts them!

And this hurts you too to see your parents hurting because, let's be honest, a very small thing close to nothing. But for them an entire world is changing, is not about that small decision. They fell that they are losing bits of you, that you leave them for the other person. And on one level they are right. You are!

I have been with my parents through this, we had a long way up until here and we still have a good way ahead of us to reconcile. However much it may hurt me to see them down, I honesty believe that once you get into a family of your own, best way to keep everything balanced is to create some boundaries. In a new family both come with home baggage and its better to work on that and don't allow constant comebacks from an unset limit. They need to understand this and sometimes even we do.

It is a lifetime journey and every small acknowledgement is really a big step ahead. I love them, i show it to them but I am also firm in what my new family is concerned.

I just brought this up as each time I see my parents bits of me are reminded of this unseen, unsaid, unwanted, hidden inside struggle.

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