The first snow

Caught up in the never ending small personal office drama I forgot to look around and be happy for I have and for what surrounds me.

Yesterday evening I went with my hubby to the movies, we saw the beautiful Cloud Atlas. The movie is great, deep and has beautiful put in place scenes. I truly recommend it. It got me thinking to the eternity of human soul and the lives that we pass together with others until we learn/solve what we came for. The movie has a great way of showing how souls come together from life to life to fall in love again and go through the lessons that they have to learn together and how this karmic cycle repeats itself until each soul has learned the lesson and got free from the cycle. This sort of thinking gives life a whole new perspective and makes us pay more attention to everything that happens to us as all experiences are part of what we are supposed to learn here and also brings the nice thought that death is just "a door" to a new room, as one of the characters puts it. I found this movie revealing.

After the movie ended we went out for the parking lot just to see beautiful snowflakes coming from up above. There was no sign of snow during the day so the enchanting view was a magical surprise. It was beautiful and the feeling inside was beyond words. It made me actually see what the world is about and how I need to get through my issues faster and not let them capture me as I am losing sight from all the beauty while captive in my mind.

This morning I woke up to a beautiful snow blanket, the air was crisp fresh, the view was white and light-y, I felt amazed. If this is not beauty than what is?

I felt compelled to write this today as I personally went through an internal struggle for the past few weeks and I felt emptied after I managed to raise my head out of it. Now I am light and joyful and amazed by the wonders around me.

I hope you feel this way as well. There isn't a more beautiful reward than the peace of the mind and soul after you understand...

Away

How do we feel about being away from home, being away from our beloved, our roots?

I feel that each time we leave our home, be that for a business trip or other reasons, the established patterns are broken. In a foreign place we feel compelled to behave differently and our daily habits are somehow put aside automatically to make place for the new routine. Ne place new routine.

I am just wondering just how good is such thing? Most of the people around me say that small distance from time to time from you daily life always brings novelty, come with a range of feelings that make worship more what you have and when you come back you are still in the worshiping mode for few days. than everything comes back to normal again.

I cant help but ask why do we behave like that? Why is it in our DNA to cherish things after we miss them and we we cannot do that all the time? Why do we get bored or why do we stop showing our half that we care deeply about him/her in daily base? The love we have is supposed to be the same if travelling or not so why don't we show it like we do when we are away?

I am today away from home and miss my husband, house, cat like hell. I normally show my wife-y love as much as I can but when i am away and come back the only thing I do is show love. I want to promise myself to act like this all the time but I am sure that this will not happen. But what I can do is try to show more of that than I usually do. I have been away many times but however it is this time I am mature enough to realize and push myself to not b taken in my the routine.

So here I am...

Fundamentals

As we stroll through life we often get caught in our small urban life dramas, most of the times forgetting the purpose of life itself and even the things that matter the most. All we do matters the most you might say and I am not the one to judge or question that, I am trying to shed light in my small brain related issues and actually focus on what is to this life that makes me happy or what is to this life for me to learn, experiment?

The past period I have been so caught up in my job drama that I somehow allowed it to take control over my entire thinking. You might say that the job is an important thing as we spend there more than half of our lives and for a certain amount I tend to agree. However I believe it is our personal ego that gives the job more credit than it actually has and it takes from us more than it deserves.

In my long crazy quest to understand why I don't get the pleasure that I used to from my job I missed the signals that I was getting from around me. My husband was unsuccessfully trying to set me back on the track, my body was giving some pain signs and I was blind to all.

We left for the mountains yesterday in a small getaway. I happily packed thinking if leisure days, no work thoughts, no questions. Ad by the end of the day I got struck by terrible pain, my entire body was under the pressure of bloody headache, stomachache and some other aches that I even forgot. I strongly feel that was my body's way to bring me back on my normal, cheerful self and I got to remember how much more important things life is all about. Health  could easily be the most important one, than the love for your better half and all the others that are in your life, the pleasure that you get by reading a book, by catching up with friends or my telling your mom a secret - for me all these things use to matter the world, however they all faded away in my small drama.

I thank my body now for its reaction, for the pain as it has waken me up from my dizziness. I have decided to accept what I am going through and understand why things are happening the way the are. I have applied for few jobs that i found more interesting and I am now curiously and modestly waiting to see what will happen. Will i get a  new job? Will I stay here? I am accepting for possibilities as each one is bringing a new understanding to me. If i move than what I was supposed to learn, experience here is done, If i stay it means that my roles here is not over.

Accepting the experience is never easy but when you do that wholeheartedly you reach to a new level of understanding  an interior peace that has no great words to describing it. I accept. I am happy. I understand.

And I am waiting...

Monologue

I am thinking of the always changing nature of the human being. Depending on our perception today we can see everything perfect and enjoy a happy, careful life and tomorrow we can have job problems and crappy friends.

How curious is this thing called perception? I sit and wonder...

We govern our lives on so called our perceptions, we make decisions of what to eat, where to go, quit the job and quit our friends but when do we actually stop and think if our perceptions are real. Or are they influenced by the society we live in? Or are they influenced by our parents beliefs, by our most close friends, by our partner? Haven't we started to love that particular movie or book just because our better half thinks it's so good?

So I wonder, what is the ratio between what we feel and what we are "induced" to feel?
I tried to rebel myself against all these patterns. Because I don't kid myself that these are ways well tracked and many before me and many after me have set foot on them and will as well. And I try to brake the historical pattern and when confronted with the situation where a reaction is needed I pause and think - is this really me or is this the weight I am carrying on my shoulders from family, friends, society? Do I really think this way or this is the easiest way for me to access existing information, existing reactions and just go with the flow and forget my true self?

Because this is happening for most of us, we take all our answers from existing sources and get to a point in life where we feel lost, where we wonder where is our life and why are we puppets in this weird play? Some of us don't even get there and just submit to the flow of life without any questions. No questions, no pain is it?

Or am I just the only one questioning?

When do we start judging our friends?

The story is sometimes simple sometimes complicated, mostly depending on the point in my life and my ability to stay objective when I think of it.

My best adult girlfriend is also the person that brought me and my husband together, she is very close and dear to us. In what seems a different life, she and I were very best friends, we used to go everywhere together, share every thought, do most of the things together - all in all we were pretty inseparable in an easy and relaxed kind of way and for me that was really a great period as I came across many experiences that made me see myself and my surroundings in a different light.

The story goes on with her introducing me to her cousin, my future husband to be. Almost in the same period I introduced her to one friend, is actually a lot to say like this but let's pretend, and as life brings it sometimes both  pairs clicked separately great but the 4 of us were just terrible. The 3 of us were perfect, the 4 of us were disaster so it is easy to guess who was the rotten apple of the combination.

The 2 of them moved to another country and life went on with us talking from time to time and visiting even less.

Her choice of staying with a man I hardly understood and moving with him so far away from us was the trigger to my continuous judgement. I thought I knew her and in all my possible scenarios she was never to be with him, let alone move to another country. But as reality would often have it so it happened.

They are not together anymore and to my relief and despicable self I am happy to have her back as we used to know her. However I wish she had someone now so that we could all 4 be what I always imaged best couple friends are, I wish she was here, as she remained in the foreign country and moreover I wish that her moving and her relationship would not ave shed the dust over us as it did.

These days she is here with us and we have trouble in starting a conversation so we go for the easiest way and just remember what used to be amazing between us. So my not satisfied self that is craving for those times is continuously judging her and putting on her shoulders the blame for our lost connection.

But today I stop and wonder who am I to judge my best friend? Would I have done the same thing if put in that situation for the person I was in love with? Would I have been brave enough to leave all I have and follow the man I thought was my salvation? Would I have the courage to suffer and cry for all I am leaving behind in the hope that what I will encounter will the least make up for the bits of soul that remained behind me?

I guess I will never know...

When do you question your job?

I got thinking this weekend, and actually for some time now, about my job, about my feelings when I am at my job or whenever I think of it.

During my entire working career I have been pretty happy with what I was doing. At my first job after around 5 years I felt a bit stuck in that place, I couldn't see the light that was supposed to take me out and I couldn't feel the pleasure that I used to. Somehow I understood that I have reached my full potential in that place and there is no more room for me to develop there so I started craving for a new spot where I could again feel joy, happiness, creativity and everything that makes you smile and talk frenetically when you job comes up.

So, as it regularly happens, I moved to a new job where I am for the last 2 years. And I have spent here really amazing moments and had the chance to meet and work with truly amazing people. This year though, I got promoted and ended collaboration with my former colleagues and started a new challenge. Enthusiastically I got all prepared for what was to come. However during this year I started to have a lot of mixed feelings regarding what I do and in general regarding my job. I have been in different moods - one day I loved what I do, the other I felt bored with no challenge, then I thought I was going to get fired for not somehow doing my job OK I have to mention this was my own mind's paranoia as my boss gave me great feedback about my work). New boss is up now and it is very early, I work remotely  and bottom line I don't know how to read him which really add up to my already existing delirium.

To spare all the extra winning I will just put here for me to see clearly what are those monsters that scare me:
The good:
- good job, I really like 70% of it, but who does 100%? For sure these people are very rare:)
- great boss so far, I feel free to work from wherever, however as long as I deliver my tasks in time and very good prepared
- I can have some free time as well to browse, document, research and even personal browsing

The bad:
- my boss's boss is new, hard to understand, he want to have all my activities etc - he is new so he wants to be in control, he wants to state his point of view - really normal attitude
- a weird feeling of unsafety for my position? where from? I always got great reviews? my paranoid mind started living on its own?
- no joy, no laughing...

I think all of these are happening because my crazy mind started living a reality where I leave in fear maybe. I know I have to clean myself of this fear and do my job as before with same joy and just be open as everything will happen for my own  good, but sometimes it's just very hard to give in and just live instead of just having my brain raging around in my head.

Is this something that is happening to others as well? Or we are all having a happy job and just keep silent of the rest? Are we at that point were we can allow ourselves to risk and brake some patterns?

Pina Colada

       I just finished this book "Wife 22" and somehow it got me thinking on the much debated endless questions - what is indeed a relationship and what is the glue that holds people together after a long period of time?

       In the book the couple was together for 20 years but somehow both drifted apart from each other. Like in the song Pina Colada the husband came with this idea where he was an online researcher about marriage that asked the wife different questions - she didn't know that it was him. The whole thing ended up with her falling in love with the "researcher". Of course she found out in the end it was the husband - happy ending.

      But my questions is - does this also happen in real life? As much as I would like to think that these things are very real somehow it is a bit hard to picture a long time couple putting up the energy of creating such thing to save the relationship. What would be the trigger to do such gesture? Is it remaining love, or maybe habit or maybe the fear of not being alone after such a long period, or to keep the convenience of a family for the children and the rest of the world?

       It actually got me thinking a lot on this topic as I am in a relationship that I consider to be what I always wanted, and find in it everything I need. But I can't help thinking if this will stay unaltered after a longer time, and if it alters will I have the energy to get it back?

       So what makes people run for their relationship?

From the scratch

I woke up today feeling some itch in my fingers, as if they would like to write again.

I have started this blog thinking that I would actually like to show my outfits and got bored and tired pretty quickly from that so I quit and closed the blog down.

However I kept thinking that writing is a form of expression for me, I just chose the wrong topic, or rather I limited myself by trying to talk only about one topic.So this time I am reopening my blog in my personal attempt to use it as a scrap page and put here my thoughts regarding everything.

So here is for a new beginning for myself and my desire to write something, whatever that is.